


You've been talking in your sleep (sleeping in your dreams)

by lilija_the_red



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Angst, Established Relationship, M/M, Miscommunication, Substance Abuse, mentions of - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-06
Updated: 2015-09-25
Packaged: 2018-04-19 06:56:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4736954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilija_the_red/pseuds/lilija_the_red
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Grantaire has changed.<br/>Enjolras has noticed so much. But little does he know about the changes in his boyfriend's life. And little does Grantaire let him know.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You've been talking in your sleep (sleeping in your dreams)

**Author's Note:**

> This is not abandoned. I promise. Working on the rest and will probably finish it within this year, lets get down to business!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enjolras can't sleep and it may be Grantaire's fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (While writing the next chapter I got annoyed by the old ones, so I changed some sentences in hoping to improve the flow)

Enjolras yawns. His gaze falls on the clock on his desk and sighs at the blinking digits. 1:45 am. Again. He rubs his burning eyes, cursing lowly. He’s exhausted but he knows he won’t get any sleep this night. In fact he hasn’t slept properly in - a week? It must have been about that time, roughly. Another sigh, right click, saving the files, shutting down the computer and getting up. The chair rolls under the desk. A small 'thump' signalizing it met the desk. Enjolras doesn't notice. ‘He will be home soon...' 10 minutes later and he already lays in bed, ready for sleep but wide awake.  
He isn’t insomniac. He has a seriously fucked up sleep schedule, yes. Especially weird during exams times, but even then he ususally gets at least some hours of proper sleep. This week not so much. And no, not due to some coffein overdose (Courfeyrac) , wrong food (Jolly), exam stress (Combeferre) or weird moon cycles (Jehan). No his reasons are more - difficult. And easy at the same time, it is just that -

The sound of the front door falling shut makes him jerk out of his thoughts. Then. The creaking of the floor and almost quiet steps tapping through the flat. He listens and waits. A few minutes later the door creaks open, and the steps come closer. There’s shuffling of clothes, soft exhales intended not wake one up, and then he feels the mattress dipping lower under the new body laying down. He can hear the other man sigh, feels the lips on the back of his head. Enjolras’ heart aches. If just…

  
“Still awake, I see?” The voice sounds rough and tired.

   
Enjolras rolls around at that, trying to meet the other one’s eyes in the twilight of the room.

   
“Hey, Grantaire.” He whispers softly. And then: “well, yeah I’m afraid so.”

He can’t quiet see Grantaire in the dim light, only the fale shine of the street lights outside, casting a little of light inside. But he can see Grantaire closing his eyes, can hear Grantaire sigh and he can feel the soft breath ghosting over his own face. Grantaire still smells like the bar he’s been in. The smell of liquors and all lingers in ones hair if you work there for so many hours. Enjolras doesn’t mind. (Suddenly memories of an overheard conversation from last Friday shoots through is head. Grantaire has been talking to Feuilly, something about quitting, work getting to hard with the fucking smell around, he has stated. He has never said one thing to Enjolras about it. Not even gave a hint. Enjolras tries not to think about it now, pushing the memories away. Grantaire’s here with him now. Isn’t he?)

 

Grantaire’s arms sneak around Enjolras body, pressing him against his own and Enjolras sighs, letting himself melt into the embrace. Stolen luck is something after all, he tries to comfort himself. Then Grantaire’s lips on his forhead and wants to cry. It’s not fair. If Grantaire’d only be an ass. It would make it so much easier. Would make the last week so much easier. But Grantaire isn’t.

 

“What to we do with you, mh?" Grantaire's voice is deep, it makes Enjolras' throat tighten. "Have you considered that doctor Joly has suggested? The one with the sleep labor-labr-” “Laboratory?” “Yeah, yeah. GOD it’s late”,

 

Grantaire graons and Enjolras feels bad. He knows Grantaire has been at work since the early morning. 'Some festival, taking place in our shitty bar, can you imagine? Haha.’ Grantaire had joked the day before. It must have been a long day for him.

 

“Sorry for keeping you awake, I know you’ve had had a long shift. Just ... try to sleep." Enjolras tries his best to sound like himself, but he knows he failed that part completely. "I'll be fine."

 

“Enjolras… Anything I could help you with?”

 

“I’ll be fine.” He can practically feel Grantaire raising his eyebrows in disbelief. After a beat Grantaire speaks again: “At least promise you will think about the doctor.”

 

“I promise. Now sleep.”

 

“Enjolras…”

 

  
“Seriously. I’ll be fine.” Force. Determination. Yes, that’s something he can do. Something familiar. He's been too obvious anyway.

  
Grantaire sighs once more but lets it slip. “Fine. Good night, Enj, try to get at least a little bit of sleep, will ya?”

  
Enjolras hums in response. He can’t help himself and presses a kiss to Grantaire’s lips. Grantaire kisses back lazyily, hand moving over Enjolras back. The taste is bitter sweet. Another squeeze and Grantaire is dead to the world. But his hand is still sneaked around Enjolras body, a reminder of... it feels so hot on his skin.

  
It could be fine. Everything could be fine. They could be fine. But Enjolras knows it isn’t. Nothing is. He listens to Grantaire’s soft breathing and takes a deep breath. Now he waits.  
Grantaire talks in his sleep. Grantaire has been very self concious about it, long time passed before he would tell Enjolras. He can remember many nights, where Grantaire would make excuses to not stay the night. He eventually told him.

 

Grantaire doesn’t talk regulary. Sometimes he doesn’t talk for months, sometimes he talks every night. Most times it’s ridiculous stuff, giberish, or he’s simply reciting some shows. (Which can get really scary if you wake up at night to somebody retelling a torture scene from some show right next to your face. Not so much fun, not really. Especially if you don’t know the show.)

Feuilly has the most sleep talking stories. He had shared rooms and apartments with Grantaire for years. His favourite sleep talking incident has been, when Grantaire sang the whole Pokémon theme song in three different languages. And he proudly retells the story over and over again. “All you have to do, is give him the first line and he will continue! It’s amazing!” Feuilly has exclaimed eyes bright with amusement, making Grantaire blush, telling him to stop, but Enjolras still remembers the small smile around his lips, when Feuilly has told the story.) But lately... lately he has talked about - other things.

 

“I love you.”

  
The room is silent. So is Enjolras. He squeezes his eyes shut. It has begun.

  
“… so beautiful.”

  
“Yes there…”

  
“Please. please.” It sounds so urgent, so pleading…

 

  
Enjolras lies still, not able to move, not able to do anything but listen. He has never felt so alone, while being in another one’s company. He knows it’s not him, who Grantaire is talking about. He knows it. Well, he’s sure. Grantaire has never said a name, never gave indicators, but - Enjolras just knows it. It hasn’t only been the nights; if it had been for the dreams alone, he may could write it off, dreams are not reliable.

  
“Dreamers never lie, though”, he mumbles to himself.

Nah, that’s bulshit! Just because some old country song said it, doesn’t proof it right! More the opposite probably. But - Grantaire has started acting strangely lately, too. He has secrets. Stayed away from their flat longer than usual, without telling him where he goes. When he does he always tells Enjolras he’s out with some new friend, he met at the gym. A girl named Eponine. Enjolras hasn’t met her, yet. Wouldn't it be normal for your boyfriend to introduce you to someone you see that often? But Enjolras doesn't ask. Doesn't dare. It's not his right, he knows that. He's not Grantaire's nanny. And yet... Enjolras wished to be included more. To be part of Grantaire's world. That Grantaire would talk to him more. About work, about his free time, about the gym.

 

The gym. Grantaire hadn’t been there in years. Enjolras knows Grantaire used to box, but that had been years ago too. Has he started again? Has he started something else? Enjolras doesn’t know. If he is true to himself, he had to admit he doesn’t know much about Grantaire’s life lately, at all. But he should. Should as Grantaire's boyfriend. And yet he never asks, never -  
Suddenly Grantaire starts squirming next to him, the hand that has been still on Enjolras’ back is sliding off now, leaving the patch of skin now open for the cold of the room, causing a chill to run through Enjolras' body. He feels Grantaire turning around, hears the low grunt, escaping the other man's throat as he dives deeper into the dream.

Grantaire says he never remembers anything from his dreams. But, would you tell your boyfriend, you dream about other persons? Probably not. Enjolras can feel the burning hotness creeping up his face, but he doesn’t want to give into it. Doesn't want to cry. Tears would cause into sobbing, that would turn into sounds and that would wake Grantaire up, and god knows Enjolras isn’t ready for that conversation. Not right now. (Maybe never) So he only bites on his lips and fights down the tears.

Why can’t he just go away? He has asked himself this so many times already. Why can’t he just leave it as it is? He should. Go. Leave. Save the remaining parts of his heart... But no, he will stay, will listen to Grantaire dreaming about some other fucking person - about fucking some other person (some nights are more graphic than others). And so Enjolras listens and marter himself. And torture it is. He can't help it. It's not really a choice after all. It's not.

 

  
It has just been a matter of time, though, Enjolras reminds himself. He had known the day would come and Grantaire would realize his mistake and leave. It’s probably his own fault. Has he waited too long? Probably. He had made mistakes. Hadn't been enough, he - he should have left, shouldn’t have let them get this far, him so close, so attached. Now he has the trouble. Grantaire must have realized that Enjolras is no hero, no god, but a mare human with flaws and weaknesses. Must have realized he’s not enough. Beauty alone isn’t enough. Maybe everything hasn't been enough in end to hold its ground against all the fights and spoiled words. It is a miracle to Enjolras, that they even got this far!

 

(And that they haven’t killed each other over the time.)

 

How can he make Grantaire happy like he deserves it?

 

Enjolras can’t make Grantaire burst into laughter within seconds like Courfeyrac does.

 

Enjolras doesn’t know how to make Grantaire relax like Cosette does by simply entering the room.

 

Doesn’t know how to always say the right things, like Feuilly, to make him cheer up.

 

Doesn’t know how to make Grantaire’s face light up the way it does, when he’s simply talking about Eponine.

 

All he ever does is make everything worse, it seems! He can hold speeches for hours but when it comes to Grantaire he becomes - unsure. He doesn't know what to say! Doesn't know how to project his feelings, doesn't know... He doesn’t know any of the ways of making Grantaire happy and it’s eating him alive. And it’s obviously too late, anyway. Grantaire’s heart seems to belong to somebody else already.

 

  
'He probably hasn’t allowed himself to realize it, yet, himself’, Enjolras thinks.

 

Grantaire isn’t the type to cheat on somebody. But just because, Enjolras hasn’t lost him physically yet doesn’t mean he hasn’t lost him. Grantaire would move on, and he would be left heartbroken. It really has been his own fault.

 

  
What should he do now? Should he keep it like it is? Should he go? Leave? No. He couldn’t. He hates himself for being so weak, but Enjolras knows himself, and he knows he’s helpless this time. No, he would stay. As long as Grantaire would allow him to stay. Until then…

 

  
He settles down next to Grantaire, careful to keep a small distance between them. He can still hear Grantaire murmur. Enjolras closes his eyes, exhaustion sweaping over him. Softly, hoping, he starts humming the start of the Pokémon theme song. It takes some seconds and the room is completely silent. Then, softly, Grantaire joins and relief rushes over Enjolras; and sleep finally, finally catches hold of him.


	2. K.I.S.S.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grantaire has some tough time and Enjolras is acting strange as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2nd chapter is here! Ther are a few more I want to do, but haven't worked it out, yet, so stay tuned!
> 
> attention: in this chapter stuff like Alcohol abuse and substance abuse is mentionend

"If you don't pay more attention, you'll probably tear something, Taire." Eponine leans against the machine, looking down on Grantaire. 

"No pun inteded, I guess?" Grantaire asks half smiling, trying to cover up how surprised he is by her sudden appearing. He lets go off the handle and looks up at Eponine. 

"Mind handing me my bottle?" 

Eponine snorts but does so. The gym isn't empty, but it's also not full enough that you could call it crowded. He prefers it like this. Nobody actually pays attention to one another in the gym, safe for the pros you want to become like. It's nice.

"What's wrong?"

Grantaire avoids her eyes as he answers, "I don't know what you mean." Which is a lie. She knows it too.

"Of course. Come on. You can tell me, you know." She looks around the gym, her arms crossed in front of her chest.  
I could tell her everything, because she's probably the only one to get it. The only one fighting with the kind of shit, he has to fight with. And still... 

"It's just... I don't know. I think it's just wearing on me? It's", he stops shortly, "it's tough."

Eponine nods, rubbing at an invisible spot on the floor with her feet. "I think I know."

Grantaire sighs deeply. "It doesn't help that my boyfriend is acting weird as well."

"Enjolras right?"

Grantaire nods. 

"Wanna tell?"

He shrugs. "Maybe, but not now, not here. Besides... I don't even know. It just feels strange."

"Man, you know what I would normally suggest, but... well. Rules. How about a small round one on one and then a coffee at my friend's shop?" 

Grantaire picks up his towel and bottle and stands up. He tries a small smile.  
"Sounds like a plan." 

-

In the back of the gym is a room with a box ring. It's not that good, but because Grantaire's friend Feuilly works at the gym, it's free for them to use, so it's okay.  
Eponine is a few inches taller than him, but her body is slimmer, lanky muscles where Grantaire is more sturdy. They are both fast and more of the tactic ones. Unlike Bahorel, a friend of Grantaire, who sometimes sends out some opponents after only a few seconds. It's still fun to box with him, if it's not an official fight. 

They both get ready and enter the ring. A wicked grin appears on Eponine's face as they share a handshake with their tiger paws. Grantaire grins back, getting ready for the first attack. For now he can forgot and just react. He has missed boxing. And boxing with Eponine is - different.  
He had learned in a hall, an occasionally streetfight on the side, but still his focus had been on the hall with a trainer and all. Eponine on the other hand is a complete self learned street kid. Over the years she has perfected her own style, just like he did. Their two styles colliding is fun and exactly what he has needed lately.

After a good half an hour they both are panting, exhausted, an equal number of points to call their owns.

"Enough for today?" Grantaire asks leaning against the strings. Eponine nods.

"Yeah, gonna hit the showers. See you out in 15?"

"Sure." 

-

15 minutes later Grantaire stands outside the gym, a hood over his beanie against the cold wind. He leans against the wall and letting his thoughts drift. He thinks about his evening shift in the bar, which he doesn't feel ready for in any way. It's time for him to quit. Tommy recommended it, and Grantaire has to admit, that he's right. Which also means he would have to find another job. Grantaire frowns. And he has to tell Enjolras. Enjolras...

"You are all moody again!"  
Eponine's voice makes him jerk out of his thoughts. 

"What?"

"Nothing", Eponine says, taking Grantaire's arm and sets off to the parking lot. "Are you by car today?" Grantaire nods.  
"Awesome!"

He can feel Eponine squeezing his arms shortly, making the twist in his stomach easen up a tiny bit.

-

"So?"  
Grantaire looks up from his coffee and meets Eponine's eyes. They are at a small cafe, run by one of Eponine's friends, Musichetta. They've been there quiet often over the last weeks. Since they met at the sessions.

"What?" 

Eponine rolls her eyes. "You know what I mean. What is it?"

They've only known each other for a few weeks. But it feels like they have known each other much longer. He had told Enjolras,they were old friends from back of his boxing times. He still feels bad for lying at him, but he couldn't have went for the truth. Not yet. Not until there is proof he could do it. Maybe he'll never tell everything, but something. He'll gonna tell him something. When the time is there.  
Grantaire sighs deeply.

"Still the Enjolras-Story?"

Grantaire opens his mouth and closes it immediately, nodding slowly. "Yeah..."

A look of worry appears on Eponine's features. "You still haven't told him anything?"

Grantaire looks into his coffee, hands cupping it, holding on tightly. "No." 

"Jesses. Why?"

"I- I don't know. I guess I don't want him to get his hopes up or something. I don't want to disappoint him. Or any of my friends." He adds quietly.

Eponine nods slowly. "I know what you mean. Haven't told any of my friends either. Well", she stops and shoots a small smile at Grantaire, "none of them that don't share K.I.S.S. with me."

Grantaire smiles and fights the urge to get up and just hug her. 

"When do you have your next meeting?" Eponine asks, taking a sip from her own coffee. 

"Tomorrow noon. You?" 

"Morning." 

Eponine looks down into her mug again, suddenly seeming far off and not, in fact, sitting right in front of him. Finally she breaks the silence:  
"You know I wouldn't push for it, but I think this time - What's the matter with your boyfriend?" 

Grantaire thinks about what to say but doesn't really know where to begin. He tells her as much.  
"I just don't know, Ponine. I'm not even sure if I'm just making it all up, okay? He just acts weird around me lately. He always seems so far off. He often looks sad, genuinly unhappy and- I don't know. He also has trouble sleeping and it jut makes me worry, that's all."

She lifts and eyebrow. "And?"

"And...I forget about it. Sometimes. God, I'm probably the worst boyfriend at the moment! Everything's too much and he gets thrown under the bus!"

Eponine listens to him with a sincere expression. "Mhh. I think you should really talk to him about all of this. Or some parts. It will make focusing easier. It's a lot already as it is."

"Miss 'I tell nobody anything' tells me to talk about it? Spread the beans?" 

Eponine simply shrugs, "It's not that no one knows. Besides, what works for me doesn't have to work for you, too. I'm not in a relationship either. Things are different for us."

A woman with bright purple dreads comes to their table, laying a hand on Eponine's shoulder. 

"Do you need anything, honey?"

Eponine shoots her a warm smile. "No thanks, Chetta. We are all good."

"Glad to hear that. How about you Grantaire? No work today or are you rocking the night shift again?"

"Always rocking with the owls, Chetta", Grantaire laughs and winks at her. She laughs as well and excuses herself from the table, but not before squeezing Eponine's shoulder shortly, as Grantaire notices.

"She's a saint", Grantaire says softly. 

"Yeah, yeah she is." Eponine stares into her mug. "She's the only one to know, you know. She was the one who suggested K.I.S.S. to me in the first place. If she hadn't told me about it... I don't know where I would be to be honest. It scares me."

Grantaire shivers. He knows what Eponine means. He's been in the same spot.  
"Do you talk about the sessions?"

Eponine shakes her head. "No. She sometimes asks about it, but never for details. Just if I'm okay, how I feel and if I want to talk. That kind of stuff. I don't want to talk about the sessions. I don't want her to know more. I think, I think it's the same like with you and your friends." Her grip on the mug tightens. "I don't want to disappoint her."  
She doesn't say the 'even more' out loud. Doesn't have to. Grantaire gets it. He just nods.

-

They sit for another hour before Grantaire shoots the clock a glance.  
"Shit it's getting late already. I better head to work! I'm afraid we won't see each other tomorrow. Maybe the day after?"

Eponine shrugs. "I'll shoot you a text."

"Looking forward to it", Grantaire says and means it.

"Today is on me. Now go and head to work. See you around." She smiles and waves him off.

"Thanks. Next time will be on me though. Take care. See you around." With that he heads out, but not without waving a goodbye to Chetta behind the counter.

-

Working at the bar is tough, when you tend to an unhealthy use of alcoholic.  
Working at a bar is even harder, when you tend to an unhealthy use of alcoholics and try to cut back on it. 

Grantaire used to love the work at the bar. Sure the music is too loud and some guests are obnoxious. But he loves the chitchat, loves the team, and alcohol is something he knows a lot about. Also, it gets paid well enough.  
Sometimes his friends visit during his shift. Normally a boss would protest about such things, then again they always leave enough money to make it not a big deal (although they get a lot of extras. 'On the house' of course). Tonight's one of the nights.

"Grantaire take a drink with us!" Courfeyrac is already pleasently drunk, all happy and sappy. 

Grantaire holds up both his hands.  
"I don't drink during my shift, sorry." 

Which is a lie. He has drunk during his shift more than once. Sometimes you are even told to, when they are regulars. But he doesn't want to risk. He has it all counted out. He's cutting back, and drinks at work are not accounted.  
Courfeyrac doesn't seem happy but seems to accept it without asking further as Feuilly chimes in to take up for Grantaire, which Grantaire is thankful for. He shoots Feuilly a smile, who only winks back. The sound of the front door being opened catches Grantaire attention. His face lights up as he sees the new guests. Combeferre and Enjolras. He waves at them smilingly, and tries to ignore any of his unsureness he had talked about with Eponine earlier. Enjolras' face lightens up, as he sees Grantaire, and maybe, just maybe he thinks, that's enough.  
Combeferre smiles widely and waves back, before heading over to the others.

"Hey", Enjolras gives him a quick kiss over the counter, smiling all sweetly and for a second Grantaire can forget about any bad thought he had had. 

"Hey", he answers still smiling. 

"How's the shift going so far?"

"Terrible! I have some really obnoxious guests here, who just decline to leave, can you imagine? Look at them", he points with his head towards their group of friends. 

Enjolras laughs. "That really sounds terrible! Your shift ends at 2am?"

Grantaire nods. "I have the car with me. Shall I take you home with me or will you go earlier?" 

Enjolras seems surprised but catches himself quickly. "No. That would be nice." 

A man at the counter tries to get Grantaire's attention to place an order, so he leaves Enjolras, who walks over to their friends. 

-

The night passes rather quickly after that. The bar doesn't close until 4, sometimes later, so he finds himself at 2:30 am sitting among his friends, chatting. They sit at a group of tables close to the counter.

"Oh no, my glass is empty", Jehan says staring at his empty cocktail.

"Oh no! Jehan! Mine too!" Courfeyrac chimes in, looking disgusted at the glass in front of him. 

"What do we DO?!" Jehan gasps, clutching onto Courfeyrac's arm.

"Haha, okay, okay, got the hint! What do you want?" Grantaire laughs. A few shout him their order. Nothing he could not handle. 

Enjolras next to him shakes his head: "You've been working all day, some of us could go."

"Yeah but can you remember all the orders? It's fine", he says and presses a kiss to Enjolras cheek as he gets up.  
"Any more orders?"

"I'll go with you", Feuilly offers. "Even you can't carry all of these glasses!" 

They chat as they walk over to the counter. Grantaire places the order without any mistake, it's easy enough, most of them are his friends' usuals anyway. 

"Sorry to say that, Grantaire, but you look tired", Feuilly starts.

"Thank you, Feuilly, could be because it's 's almost 3am and I've been working for the last hours."

"No, I mean in general. Is everything okay?"

Grantaire goes silent. He can feel Feuilly's hand on his shoulder.  
"You don't have to tell me, if you don't want to. Just... talk to somebody, okay?"

Grantaire hates this. He hates making his friends worry about it. That is everything he wanted to avoid. He masters up a weak smile. 

"I do. It's just." He stops himself. His eyes wander back to Feuilly's face. He'd probably understand. Has always done. They've known each other long enough. Grantaire sighs.  
"I don't think I can work here any longer", his voice goes quiet, he shuffles his feet over the ground, "the fucking smell. I can't really stand it anymore, you know?"

Feuilly nods slowly. "Have you told anybody, yet?" 

"God no! I don't want to quit before having something else, besides I can't let them hang, before they have somebody else. They've been really nice to me. I can't do that to them."

Feuilly hums in response. "Got it, just take care of yourself." 

"Eh", both of them turn around at the sound. Enjolras is standing there, looking a litte umcomfortable, if you are looking for it.

"Courfeyrac changed his mind. He'd rather get a Sex on the Beach."

"Or both!" Courfeyrac shouts from the table, holding up a thumbs up.  
Feuilly chuckles lowly.  
Enjolras still frowns lightly, eyes on Grantaire, who tries very much to ignore it.

"Should I get some of these back to the table already while you wait for the rest?" Enjolras finally asks, pointing at the already filled glasses. 

"Yeah, thanks, Enj", Grantaire says quickly. His mind is racing. How much has Enjolras heard? Has he heard anything? But Enjolras is already gone.

"Relax, Grantaire", Feuilly's voice rips him out of his mind cloud and brings his mind back into the bar. Right at that moment Tanja brings them their last order and waves them off with a smile. They get back to their places, but Grantaire can't relax, not really, he takes a small sip of his beer, still surprised about how full the bottle still is. He has to put it on the list later...  
His eyes flicker over to Enjolras again. Did he hear something about the quitting? He wanted to tell Enjolras when the time was right. He defintely doesn't want for him to hear about it like this. That would be - not good.

A hand comes up to his own, interwining their fingers, and Grantaire doesn't even have to look up to know it's Enjolras. Grantaire forces himself to relax, but the knot in his stomach doesn't want to go away completely.  
Play it cool!  
He squeezes Enjolras' hand lightly and looks up, but Enjolras is already engaged in some conversation with Joly. Maybe, he hasn't heard anything anyway, Grantaire tells himself. Probably. Well, Grantaire would find out, when they get home. No matter to get all crazy about it just now.

-

An hour later the first of them excuse themselves, starting with Joly and Feuilly. 

"We'll head home as well", Enjolras stands, pulling Grantaire up with him. "Some of us here had had a long day and should get some sleep." 

Grantaire yawns. "Who do you mean?" Another yawn hinting on his lips. 

Enjolras shakes his head, chuckling lowly. He waves a goodbye and they are outside the door.

"Where do you have your keys?" Enjolras asks.

"I can drive. I only had a beer." Which he has to list up at home. He better not forget. How much has he left for the week? He has to check it tomorrow. 

"Me too, but I haven't worked as much as you did." 

Grantaire grumbles but hands over the keys. He actually feels deadtired, he won't fight for the right to drive.  
15 minutes later they are home, another 5 and Grantaire already lays in bed, waiting for Enjolras to join him. He still hasn't said anything about Grantaire's and Feuilly's conversation.  
The bedroom door gets opened and Enjolras hushes inside. He lays down next to Grantaire, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. Grantaire kisses back, putting his hand on Enjolras hip and pulling him closer. He breahtes in the soft scent of Enjolras' hair, peach or something, and tries to overlayer the stink of the bar, that still stings to his own hair and skin. That's one of the worst aspects of his work. You always reek like alcohol after work. Grantaire's stomach turns. He doesn't know what is worse, smelling it and tasting it still in your mouth, the stale aftermath, or still smelling it but tasting nothing. 

'But missing the taste...' he thinks.

He needs to quit. He'll talk to Tommy about it. And his boss. Another kiss is pressed against his lips, Enjolras hair tingling at his face. Grantaire lets out a low sigh. He'll think about it tomorrow. Maybe even do a list. But for now he simply wants to rest and hold Enjolras.  
Enjolras... He hasn't tried to talk on their drive back home, then again he's not sure if he'd been able to hold an actual conversation anyway... The moment they left the bar a wave of exhaustion had swapped over Grantaire, sucking out his last spark of energy. Suddenly he had been very grateful for Enjolras 'offer' to drive. 

'I wish I could tell him. Something. I wish I could find the words to...'  
No. Not yet. Soon. He'll have to talk to Tommy about that, too. 

-

"Today's your day off, right?" Enjolras asks at the breakfast table the next morning.  
Grantaire, who has been lost in his thoughts, jerks up his head. 

"Grantaire?"

"What? Oh, no, I mean yeah. Almost. I have to cover the noon shift for Lenny. Only for 3 hours. Some doctor appointment or something." Which is a lie. But he couldn't tell Enjolras about the sessions. He couldn't.

"Oh", Enjolras sounds disappointed. Had he forgotten any plan they had made? Grantaire couldn't remember. 

"And tomorrow..."

"... I have the big vernisage, yeah. I'm sorry work is getting a lot lately."

Enjolras frowns. "You really do work a lot. Make sure you don't forget to rest, Taire."  
Great. Now Enjolras is worried. Exactly what he has been trying to avoid.

"Promise. I'll talk to my boss soon."

Enjolras nods, still not looking convinced at all.

"Speaking of rest", Grantaire begins, searching Enjolras' face. "What about you? Did you get to sleep at all?"  
Enjolras blushes, Grantaire notices surprised. That - doesn't really make sense. 

"Yeah,", Enjolras says, stretching the last syllable too long, "not much, but a little. But it soon will get better I'm pretty sure!" Enjolras adds quickly. " Work is stressing a lot lately, but that will soon change, so I hope it will have an affect on my sleeping as well. No need to worry." 

"Oh right! The new-future-partner-affair, right? I think you've told me about it."  
Shit, he completely forgot about it. He must be the world's worst boyfriend. 

Enjolras nods. "Exactly. It's taking a toll on all of us. Even our boss...", Enjolras keeps on, telling him about the state at work and Grantaire makes a mental note to put asking Enjolras about work on his list. Because he'll be damned if he wouldn't try to be at least a decent boyfriend just because of his fucking problems. 

-

"Welcome to K.I.S.S.! Leave your abstinence-dogmata at the door, we're keeping it real."  
That has been the way Tommy had welcomed Grantaire a few weeks ago, Grantaire remembers as he walks through the streets. Not to his afternoon-shift as he has told Enjolras. Another lie.  
He had been nervous. Not about going there and talking about his addiction, his wish to overcome it. No, the actual part of overcoming it. He has never thought about cutting alcohol. Never truly and completely. Never seriously. But now he does. And it kinda scares him  
For the first time ever he could see an actual chance of succeeding, which he isn't used to. Hasn't been in a long time, regarding anything. 

He doesn't believe, he could cut alcohol out completely, it being too prominent, the step being too far. But cutting and only doing a normal potion? He can do that. 

"It's not about getting from 100 to 0. That's not realistic for most people, and even if you are one of the few to handle it, the risk of falling back into it is too high", Tommy had told him.

"Instead, you get decide how much you are able to reduce, how much cutting out you can manage. It's about realistic goals."

Realistic goals... Even for him. Still... he doesn't trust himself to talk to anyone about. Too high the risk. Too big the pressure...

Grantaire takes a deep breath, grip tightening around his drinking diary, and shoves open the door to the office.  
Tommy's smile is warm and welcoming. 

"Hello Grantaire. How's it been?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> KISS stands for "Kompetenz im selbstbestimmten Substanzkonsum" which roughly translates to "competence/skill in a self-paced substance consuming" and is an actual programme for substance addicts in Germany, who decide that they can't live with their addiction any longer and want to change something about it.  
> The goals of KISS are not 'clean' clients, but people who are skilled to decide how much substance they need to function and carry on their every day life. Together with their trainers they work out a strategy of how to cut back and work upcoming problems out.
> 
> I just heard about this programme in Uni and am in no way an expert on the matter at hands! If I portray anything throughout this story incorrectly and you notice let me know!
> 
> I'm thrilled how this will work out!


End file.
